


fancy meeting you here

by inkk



Series: alphabet AU challenge [14]
Category: Bandom, Bring Me The Horizon, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Humor, Meet-Cute, Non-binary character, One Shot, Other, Pre-Slash, Trans Character, it'll make sense if you read it trust me - Freeform, kellin's in it for the food and oli is at least a little bit devious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 06:59:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4994704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkk/pseuds/inkk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>N</b> is for <b>Non-Binary</b>.</p><p>(In which Kellin finds out how far they're willing to go in the name of free food.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	fancy meeting you here

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt 'i snuck into a fancy party for the free food and you asked me how i knew the host, and i panicked and said i was dating their sibling so basically i just lied to you about going out with you'.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

+

Kellin is possibly the stupidest person alive.

They're also possibly the most food-motivated person alive too, though, and these maple-bacon-wrapped soy water chestnuts are _to die for_.

Still; they can't help feeling a dumb when an hour into the private photography exposition - to which Kellin may or may not have been invited to - someone taps on their shoulder.

Kellin turns away from the canvas of a barn they had been examining with a sinking feeling in their gut, eyes widening in barely-disguised horror - _Caught!_ their brain screams, _This is what you get for following your tastebuds! Nothing good comes from free food and now you're really going to have to pay the price!_

"So, how do you know Tom?" a tall, tattooed guy with a grey suit and a strong British accent is asking. "I don't think I recall seeing you 'round our usual crowd before."

"Um," Kellin eventually manages. Their mind races for some flimsy excuse to justify their presence - "Well. I'm Kellin," they introduce themself, "I'm, uh, I'm... Dating his brother!" they exclaim.

The guy's eyebrows shoot up in apparent surprise. "Oh? I didn't know Oli was dating anyone."

"Oh, um, yeah," Kellin continues, eyeing the surrounding people for an escape route, "He's a really, uh, really great guy. We're very happy together."

"So how long have you two been dating?" the man asks, absently grabbing a flute of champagne off of a passing server's tray and taking a sip.

Kellin gulps nervously, suddenly feeling incredibly flustered - _were the crab cakes really worth it?_ "About two months," they finally offer. "We met at a-- a boat show!"

The guy lets out a huff of laughter. "Oh, that's cool. So you met on his six-month trip to Zimbabwe, then, I presume?" he inquires, taking another sip of champagne.

"O-oh yeah," Kellin nods. "Yep. I, uh, was also on a trip there. For my grandma's funeral. Which was also at the boat show." At the man's questioning brow, they quickly add, "She was very passionate about boats."

The man's lip quirks upwards. "I see," he says. "What do you do for work, then?"

"Bees!" Kellin blurts out. "I mean, uh, beekeeping!" They let out a fluttery, high-pitched giggle. "Apiary is where it's at, am I right?"

"Definitely," the man smirks. "Well, I guess I'll leave you to it, then. Tell Oli I say hi."

Kellin watches him turn and disappear back into the crowd with a silent groan. _A boat show? In Zimbabwe? For my grandma's funeral?_ they mentally chide thenself, _It's a miracle he didn't call security on my ass. It's definitely time to get out of here._

As if on cue, the back door of the art gallery opens and more caterers slip through, each carrying a tray of different sample-sized dinners. 

_...Or maybe just a few minutes longer._

 

\+ + +

 

Half an hour and six bite-sized Yorkshire puddings later, Kellin is feeling comfortably full with free food and also extremely anxious.

They're just eyeing up the side door to leave when all of a sudden, a strong arm shoots out of nowhere and wraps around their waist, pulling them aside and face to face with a group of three smiling old ladies; looking up in alarm, they see the arm belongs to the same tattooed man from before.

Before Kellin can open their mouth to speak, the man grins down at them. "This is Kellin," he promptly announces. "We've been together for about two months now. Met at a boat show in Zimbabwe, actually."

"Oh! Isn't that just lovely," one of the ladies coos in a thick British accent, reaching out to pinch Kellin's cheek hard enough to hurt. "Looks like you've finally found a nice young lady to settle down with!"

(Normally, Kellin would be at least a little bit affronted by the misgendering, but at the moment he's simply too bewildered to correct her.)

"We're all so happy for you, Oliver," another old woman in an emerald dress eagerly chimes in.

_Wait..._

_Oliver?_

Kellin shoots the guy a look of disbelief, but he simply winks back in return.

"So, when are you two planning to move in together?"

'Oliver' lightly nudges Kellin, prompting them to frantically scramble for an answer. "U-uh, we're waiting for my new puppy to get settled into my apartment before he moves in," they quickly explain.

One of the ladies nods seriously. "I read in a Reader's Digest that proper adjustment is very important for young dogs," she agrees, raising one hand to touch the massive pearl necklace around her throat.

"So, do you plan on having any kids?" Emerald Dress asks.

Thankfully, Oliver answers first - "It's a little early to tell now," he smiles politely. "We're thinking we might adopt in a few years, though."

Kellin nods along. Oliver's hand feels like a smouldering brand on their waist. "I have a penis, so natural birth isn't really an option," they continue with the most sincere expression they can possibly muster.

Beside them, Oliver makes a small choking sound. The ladies continue smiling in politely shocked silence.

"That's... nice," Pearl Necklace eventually remarks, then, "Well, I should go say find my way over to say hello to Tom. It was a pleasure to meet you, Kellin," she excuses herself, quickly turning to leave. The others brusquely follow after her.

Kellin watches them weave away through the congregation of well-dresses people, feeling Oli's arm drop away from their waist - "Sorry about that," he apologizes after a moment, taking a step sideways to restore some modicum of space between them. "Thanks for getting rid of 'em, though."

In a flash of boldness, Kellin steps closer to him - "No problem," they grin, playfully stroking the fabric of Oli's tie. "I guess that makes us even now?"

"I guess so," Oli replies, carefully avoiding eye contact in favour of sweeping his gaze across the room. "So, are you actually a beekeeper, then?"

"Oh, no," Kellin sheepishly laughs, blushing, "I just panicked and said the first thing that came to mind. I'm actually a hair stylist - I have my own place downtown and everything."

"That's cool," Oli nods. "I'm in a band. If it weren't to support my brother, I wouldn't even be here." He pulls a face. "Too many nosy relatives."

"So... If I were to give you an excuse to leave, it would be appreciated?" Kellin asks mischievously.

Oli looks down at them, narrowing his eyes and raising one eyebrow - "I suppose so, yes."

"Well," Kellin says slowly, lightly tugging at Oli's tie. "I don't normally go straight to fucking on the first date, but. Seeing as you're super hot and we've been dating for two months..." they quietly trail off, mouth slowly spreading into a grin. "You wanna get outta here and go back to my place?"

 

+

**Author's Note:**

> i don't even ship this, so... sorry if it was lacking in the motivation department :/
> 
> anyways, THANKS FOR READING!  
> comments and kudos are the best thing in the world! :)


End file.
